Their Lovin, My Oven

My Journey as a Gestational Surrogate

Being Thankful… July 12, 2011

I’m going to warn everyone that this post is going to be incredibly one sided, opinionated, and perhaps just plain bitchy. I’m not trying to offend anyone, and I won’t call anyone out by name. If you think this post is about you, you are more than welcome to email me. At the end of the day this is my blog so I do what I want. 😉

I feel like lately I’ve been surrounded by people who just aren’t thankful for the things/blessings that they have and instead spend more time complaining about what they want. And quite frankly, that pisses me off. In the beginning of this surrogacy, the REs office let slip that another surro lived in the same town as me and joked that we should be carpooling (I live about 80 miles one way from the REs office.) I didn’t really think anything of it and let it go. Fast forward a month or two down the road when we got closer to transfer time. My IFs went to the REs office to be with their ED during her retrieval. While they were there, they met another couple who was using the same agency and whose ED was having her retrieval that day as well. They sort of bonded over the events that were happening then and there, and what was to come in the future. After my IFs told me about that meeting, I decided to reach out to my agency coordinator to see if she could approach their surro and perhaps we could become friends. I have an amazing support system in my family, friends, and online communities, but I thought how cool would it be to have someone on the EXACT same timeline as me, that could meet for a quick coffee or lunch, etc. My coordinator emailed her with the proposition of us meeting and gave her my email address. I was so excited when we started emailing. It quickly turned into text messaging daily and we struck up a friendship. We had our transfers on the same day and since I “went first” I waited at the REs office specifically to see how things went. Our NC at the REs office would purposely schedule our appts one after the other so that we could go to everything together. We compared signs and symptoms after the transfers. We started doing HPTs on the same day. We obsessed over how dark the lines were, both got digis, and anxiously awaited the day of our betas. We drove to the beta appt together and text messaged constantly wondering when in the heck we would get the phone call with the results. Within 10 minutes of hearing results, we were excitedly texting that we were both preggo. We had our first ultrasounds on the same day and both couldn’t have been more excited for our IFs. I thought that I would have a surro sister to support me (and who I could support) throughout this entire journey. But things didn’t turn out that way.

Esteban & Michele had a desire to avoid high order multiples – As did I. A pregnancy with multiples is risky not only for me as a surro, but for the babies. Because of this, we all agreed that as long as the embryo we transferred was of strong quality, and the RE was confident, we would transfer just ONE embryo. Transferring more embryos does not necessarily increase your odds of success with IVF. I mean, it only takes one egg to make a baby, right? So, that’s what we did. The embryo was amazing quality and the RE was confident that we would be successful. The other surros IFs really wanted twins. They’re embryos weren’t of as great of quality so they ended up transferring 4 embryos. Everyone can hope that things will turn out the way that they have planned, but, from the beginning I went into this thinking that no matter what, a healthy baby was what was important. Regardless of whether it was one baby, two babies, or more – Having a child is a miracle, especially in this process.

The other surros beta #s were pretty much double what mine were. My #s were not indicative of a multiple pregnancy. Now, beta #s are obviously not an exact science but I was pretty confident that we had one little healthy bambino snuggled in and that the other surro would have at least two embies stick based on our numbers. When it came time for the ultrasound, her appt was before mine. I anxiously awaited them coming out of the room to hear the news of how many embies had stuck, but, the nurse put me in my room before I could talk to her. Our agency founder was there that day for both appts. She was in with the other surro during her ultrasound and then came in the room to be with DH and I for ours. I remember her asking how many embryos we transferred as she looked at the screen with this odd look on her face. I reassured her it was just one. The RE quickly found a strong heartbeat and Esteban, Michele (via phone,) DH and I were all over the moon. As we all know, he went on to find a second strong heartbeat. E & Ms precious little embie had decided to be one of the 2% that split – They were going to have identical twin boys. Moral of the story here? Though they had maybe planned to avoid multiples in the first place, E & M are over the moon excited to be having twin boys. They are so adorably giddy every time that I talk to them and tell them how the twins are doing. Did things go “as planned?” No. Did that make any of us any less excited about the miracle taking place? No. Clearly God intends for E & M to parent twins – We all believe that He knows what he’s doing here.

The other surro was waiting for me in the waiting room – She had heard the news about the embryo splitting. As for her? Only one embryo “stuck.” Still – That one embryo was an incredibly healthy little baby. Her IFs came out shortly after when they were done speaking with the RE. I can’t lie. They didn’t look like people who had just found out they were going to have a baby. Yeah, only one embryo “stuck” and they wanted twins BUT this was everyone’s first try at this. I really felt like we should all be celebrating that her IFs and mine were going to be parents.

Since that ultrasound appointment, I hardly ever talk to my fellow surro. I text message her every now and then, but, I usually don’t get any response at all and if I do it’s a one word answer that never goes any further. I miss her. I miss having someone who knows exactly what I’m going through right at that very moment because we were on the same exact schedule. And her IFs don’t talk to Esteban & Michele anymore either. I feel like I’m being punished because our embryo split and E & M are getting twins when her IFs are not. I can’t help but wonder if they asked her not to speak with me. And I can’t help but be pissed off that they really are not acting happier at the fact that the IVF transfer was successful on the first try, and that this December they will get to realize their dreams of being parents. I feel like their attitudes that day, at the big ultrasound appt, sucked. We don’t always get what we want, but, we should be thankful for what we have. Even more so in a situation like this. There are IPs out there who have gone through several failed cycles with their surros, but pick back up and move on to the next with hopes that this time will be different, that this time will be “the one.”

I don’t really know that there’s some universal big “point” to this blog. I just needed to express my frustration and ultimate sadness that at the end of the day, I lost a surro friend and still don’t really know why.

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5 Responses to “Being Thankful…”

  1. tina Says:

    Well your right behind me! She clearly had issues you don’t need that….

  2. Jesse Says:

    That is sad to me–I truly believe everything happens for a reason–good or bad. The fact that the IVF worked for her, for anyone, is a gift in itself, regardless of the number of babies that “took”. I’m sorry you lost a friend in the process–that’s cruddy. But remember, you gained a few too 🙂

  3. I’m sorry you lost your friend. Maybe one day you will understand why.

  4. Hope Says:

    It hurts. They have a right to be hurt. And maybe she hurts. Maybe she feels that she failed at giving them what their hearts truly desire – twins. Why can they not be hurt at their loss of what they wanted but you get to be hurt about losing a friend?

    • Danielle Says:

      Hi Hope,

      I never actually said they couldn’t be hurt nor do I think that they don’t have a right or reason to be. What was hurtful was that myself and my IFs were shut out of their lives even though we had built strong friendships before transfer. My opinion and feelings are just that — Mine. I can’t speak to others feelings on MY blog nor would I ever try to do so.


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